Dealing With Ex’s Family After The Divorce. The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Often, the greatest challenges of a divorce start when the divorce is over. From ex-etiquette to serious conflict, figuring out how to deal with your ex’s family can be a bewildering and emotional experience. However, there are rewards for getting it right, whereas getting it wrong can be a source of ongoing stress.

For some, never having to see your in-laws again is a dream come true. For others, it can be painful to realize that people you thought of as family have “taken sides” against you and, so to speak, excommunicated you. For those who have children, dealing with the ex’s family is a necessity, no matter how you feel about them.

The first step is to figure out how you feel about the situation and put the divorce lawyers aside. Do you want to maintain ties with your ex’s family for your own sake? Do you feel that they’ve made it possible? If you don’t care about those relationships for your own sake, how can you best work to put aside your feelings so that your children don’t get caught in the middle?

The Good: Continuing Relationships

Everything depends on the personalities involved. In some cases it will be possible to maintain your relationships with members of your ex’s family. If these are people you thought of as friends and family, it may be important to you and worth the difficulty.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to the question of whether and how to remain close to your ex’s family. If you decide that this is something that you want to do, you will have to decide how best to go about it. If your ex doesn’t like your continued closeness with his or her family, you may find that it reduces conflict to keep these relationships private rather than expecting to be invited to family gatherings. If the divorce involved bitterness, it is probably best to avoid forcing your ex’s family to take sides by talking about him or her.

There are only two things to keep in mind:

• Whatever makes you most comfortable
• Whatever makes the children most comfortable

The Bad: Ex Etiquette

Managing relationships with your ex’s family becomes especially challenging once your ex has a new relationship. Even if you and your former in-laws still have affection and respect for each other, your ex and his or her new partner may interpret their fondness for you as disloyalty to them.

Emotions can run high when questions of loyalty arise within families. Although it may be difficult, try to empathize with your ex’s new partner. It may be reasonable for him or her to feel threatened even if you have the best intentions.

If you want to maintain friendships with members of your ex’s family, you will have to be careful about boundaries when a new partner appears. If the new partner is going to be spending a lot of time with your children or acting as a step-parent to them, it is even more important to be respectful of the relationship.

The Ugly: High Conflict Families

Whether you have remained friends with members of your ex’s family or have little or no contact with them, if your children spend time with them, you still have to deal with them. Sometimes, you may wish otherwise.

When your children’s grandparents or aunts and uncles speak negatively about you in front of your children, emotions can quickly get out of hand. To avoid the conflict escalating to the point where you are going to court with your children’s grandparents over access, it may be wise to seek help from a therapist or counselor.

 If you have any questions regarding mediation, our Toronto Family Lawyers are here to help you through the process.