Breaking the News: Talking to Your Kids About Divorce
Divorce is frequently difficult and costly. When it comes time to split, couples often argue over blame, assets, and hurt feelings. If the decision is painful for the adults, imagine how children may struggle with the news that mom and dad are getting a divorce. Many parents don’t know when to broach the subject with their children.
The Prevalence of Divorce
With divorce rates as high as 40%, over a third of Canadian children will witness a break-up and be affected by divorce. Regardless of how divorce is normalized, it is traumatic for the youngest members of the family. Divorce leaves children with questions and unresolved personal issues long into adulthood.
Kids are Overexposed
When divorce is inevitable, kids are on the front lines of an adult battle. They see and hear more than most parents know. Children commonly have anxiety, fear, depression, and anger related to a divorce. They may blame themselves, act out, or withdraw. Divorce affects children’s sleep, eating habits, social life, and school grades.
Don’t Add to Your Child’s Stress
According to child psychology studies on divorce, in a crisis setting, children need and want parents to be mature. Aside from a family death, divorce is the most severe of emotional and psychological crises. Parents must take ownership of their marital failures so children do not feel at fault. Too often, hurt feelings consume couples and they revert to childish emotional expressions. They forget to plan how and when to talk to children. Careless and hurtful announcements are the most damaging.
The last thing that children need during a divorce is the pressure of having to hold the family together. As difficult as it may be, set an example even when things between you and your ex may not be amicable.
Include Everyone
A common misconception exists that older children are better suited for divorce news. However, parsing out information leads to unnecessary emotional burdens. Being compelled to keep secrets or lie places the older child in a stressful position as a gatekeeper. It forces them to make adult decisions that carry negative consequences. Conversely, if younger children discover that they were excluded, they turn resentful and angry. When the time comes to tell your kids, include all of them. Telling one child because of their maturity will ultimately lead to a perception of favoritism and exclusion that can be painful and damaging.
Divorce is a Painful Memory
News of your divorce stays with your kids. Studies suggest that children remember the moment no matter how young or old they are; or how long ago it happened. The shock of hearing mom and dad are breaking up can be one of the most traumatic events in a child’s development.
Plan your announcement carefully and consider the time, setting, and circumstances. The moment is going to last much longer than your children’s elementary school pictures.
Consult a local family law firm for more information on divorce proceedings.
Don’t Wait for Rumours to Announce Your Divorce
Once separation is imminent, it’s time to share. Some experts advise telling the kids 2-3 weeks before separation or legal proceedings. It is important for children to hear the news from parents, and not from overheard conversations in public.
Your kids are the most important consideration in your divorce. They are family and need to feel like they will remain part of a family unit, despite the broken legal bonds of marriage.
Preparing Yourself and Your Children
When divorce is inevitable, finding legal assistance is naturally an immediate priority. With children involved, it’s never too early to enlist family resources and a strong support structure. The pain of divorce cannot be avoided, but talking to your children openly and frequently can lessen the long-term impacts. When parents don’t know the right time to say something about a divorce, the answer is, it’s probably already passed.