Common Psychological Effects of Divorce on Women and Men. You Are Not Alone

Divorce has profound psychological effects on women as well as men, affecting them mentally, emotionally, physically, and economically. While women often bear a heavier burden in terms of emotional and economic impacts, both genders face significant challenges. Importantly, not every aspect of divorce is negative, and some individuals emerge stronger and more resilient. The psychological effects of divorce on both women and men are multifaceted.

Expectations

Divorce is a disruptive experience. It disrupts more lives; especially if children are involved. Akin to suffering a job loss, interstate move or house fire, divorce throws aside the regular rhythms of everyday life and forces a stream of difficult decisions on the participants.

Part of the challenge with divorce is that it is a jarring experience brought on voluntarily by at least half the participants. It is an admission that dreams of a life together are now gone. Six emotional reactions are typical, and are key to the psychological effects of divorce on spouses:

• Anxiety—anxiety is not the same as nervousness. You may feel nervous getting up to speak during a business presentation, but the cause of that nervousness is immediate, you are aware of it and its temporary. Anxiety, on the other hand, rises in answer to looming unknowns. It can gradually consume you as you go through divorce, as the future is now far more uncertain than she imagined it would be.
• Depression— Withdrawal and depression are common reactions for both spouses. Studies reveal that women are more prone to depressive episodes due to increased financial stress and caregiving responsibilities. However, men also face significant mental health challenges post-divorce, though their issues often relate more to the loss of social support and changes in daily routines. Other research indicates that men may face a higher risk of experiencing their first major depressive episode after a divorce, highlighting the complexity of psychological responses to marital dissolution.
  While prescription medicines and counseling can help, you will do well to change routines so that the feelings associated with the old environment fall to more positive feelings about a new home, job, or circle of friends.
• Fear—divorce can be terrifying. You feel fearful of small, immediate issues and fearful of distant problems yet to arrive. Easily said, harder to do: choose not to worry. Credit yourself for the things you have already overcome, and realize they are the practice steps you took to tackle larger, more frightening issues ahead. Every time you feel that knot in your stomach or the rapid breathing that signals panic, remember that fear is a response to unknowns, and could be the cause of anger.
• Anger—anger generally stems from fear. If the divorce is protracted, unpleasant or charged with emotion, anger is a common reaction. He/she hurt you; you want to hurt him/her because he/she hurt your children. Most people fear being hurt again or having their kids undergo another emotional trauma. Nurturing your anger won’t affect your ex-spouse. It consumes you at the cost of clear thinking and wise choices for you and your children. Acknowledge your anger rises from your fears, and work to conquer those fears.
• Guilt—for the partner who instigated the divorce, second-guessing is common. But whether you initiated proceedings or had them forced upon you, guilt is common. Did you work hard enough to save your marriage? Did you hasten its demise by something you did, or did not do? Have you scarred your children? These negative thoughts will eat at you and cripple your ability to respond to new situations, as your brain is forever dwelling on old issues.
• Grief—Mourning for the loss of a relationship is healthy and normal. You must give yourself permission to feel grief, go through it, and emerge. Even if the marriage was badly flawed, you invested time and emotion in it and its loss is painful.

Related: Effects of Divorce on Children from a Family Lawyer’s Perspective

The Effects Divorce Has on Men That Nobody Talks About

In response to these deep emotions, the brain often defaults to a flight, freeze or fight response. Women going through a divorce or recently divorced commonly find themselves with fewer and fewer options in handling everyday issues. Who will pick up the kids? How will we afford a major repair or medical expense? What if my only car breaks down?

Because your body is under stress and your emotions tend toward negative feelings of guilt, depression and anxiety, you may get into a cycle of responding to everyday challenges with counter productive actions. In such times, you as the key decision-maker need to relax, recollect your thoughts, and prioritize issues. Recognizing this chaotic response as one of the psychological effects of divorce can help prevent it.

Adaptations

According to a 2002 study, For Better or For Worse, more than 1,000 divorced couples showed six distinct adaptation strategies to divorce:

• Enhancement— 20% of divorced men and women improved their lives by many measures, developing new abilities in response to new challenges.
• Competent Loners—Around 10 percent of the divorced men and women felt no need of a life partner and were adapting well to life alone.
• Getting By—Some 40 percent of the group was essentially unchanged. Twenty years into the study, many had new partners but were facing problems similar to the ones stressing their first marriages. Divorce shook up their lives for a while, but did not leave lasting changes for good or for bad.
• Go Crazy—Part of the study group left the relationship and embraced casual sex, high living, and a fast life. After a year of libidinous behavior, they felt empty and sought out more solid relationships.
• Defeat—This group fell to feelings of a purposeless life, depression, and substance abuse.

Solutions

A person already suffering from the six major psychological effects of divorce will have great difficulty handling a steady stream of further crises. Being able to step back and assess the situation is valuable:

• Take a breath—breathing steadily and calmly helps to slow down your body rhythms and replenish your brain with oxygenated blood, helping you think clearly.
• Triage—with the constant incoming signals, decide what must be done first, what can wait, and what is inconsequential. Money for vacation can wait; if money is needed for a car repair and your child is throwing tantrums, let it not change your mind.
• Act—while that freeze, flight or fight response is one of the psychological effects of divorce on women, every person still has a higher brain function that can suppress and control those instincts. A woman flush with adrenaline from the fight response may feel enraged and behave inappropriately toward the parting spouse, her own children, or legal representatives (lawyers, judges, process servers and police officers). Such behavior may temporarily rid the body of cortisol and other stress hormones, but will ultimately not help a woman as she deals with her divorce. A thoughtful strategy based on the triage decisions is better. Doing nothing is not a solution.

Revelations

Not all the psychological effects of divorce are negative. Whether you initiated the divorce proceedings or not, you can emerge from the experience feeling empowered, less stressed, and in greater control of your life. Often a marriage is bad, but one of the spouses feels she/he has neither the resources nor option to initiate divorce. Many divorce lawyers see a individuals position themselves to force the husband or wife to file for divorce, often unconsciously. This relieves them of the guilt of the action while reaping the benefits of the split. They feel themselves as not responsible for the break-up, and happy to be relieved of the stress the marriage caused them.

Emerging from divorce may also make one feel in greater control of their personal and professional lives, and take on more responsibilities in both areas. Where the husband or wife may have made all financial decisions in the marriage, the divorced woman or man becomes increasingly competent and knowledgeable in handling budgets, savings, debt and investing.

One of the more pleasant psychological effects of divorce emerges in professional lives. With the accomplishment of surviving a divorce, they may feel new confidence to try new ventures.

Emotional Stages of Divorce for Women and Men

Many divorce professionals recognize four stages of divorce as deliberation, decision, transition and healing. These apply to the process itself:

• Deliberation—should I separate from him/her and divorce him/her?
• Decision—I am going to separate and then divorce
• Transition—We are separated, so eventually we will divorce
• Healing—I made it through that; I can go on with my life now

During and after a divorce, you must deliberate with yourself and possibly your children how you are going to get on with your life. You must make decisions large and small. You must make transitions from old habits, environments and comforts to new ways of living. And all the while, you must remember you are healing, to emerge a stronger person.

Our Toronto divorce lawyers won’t steer you in the wrong direction. Speak to our lawyers today about family law and get your life back in order.