Helping Your Children Adjust to Your Divorce
This article was written by Teresa Virani, Co-Founder of coparently – a scheduling and communication tool for divorced and separated parents to organize & manage shared parenting.
Divorce is difficult for children of all ages. It’s a sad, confusing time for kids and causes a lot of stress, hurt and anger. Why are you splitting up? Is it my fault? What can I do to make it better? These are just a few of the many troubling questions kids have when facing their parents’ divorce.
So what can you do as a parent to support your children through your divorce?
What your kids really need from you at this time is stability, love and reassurance – and lots of it! Here are some tips on how you can help your children adjust to your divorce and come out the other side without too many battle scars.
The best ways to help your children adjust positively to your divorce
The main thing to remember throughout the process is that your children need to know how much you both love them, that you are always there to listen and that it is not in any way their fault. Children needs lots of reassurance during this transition phase and by providing it, you are giving them the best opportunity to come through the divorce feeling loved, strong and self-assured.
A practical way to achieve this is by maintaining a regular routine – this gives children a sense of stability, structure and support, which is very important during a time of dramatic change. It’s also really important that you do your best to maintain a working relationship with your former spouse. You need to take steps to building a business relationship and ensure you are putting your children’s needs first. This is no easy task when there are such strong emotions involved, but it really helps to focus on how much you love your children and that you don’t want to cause them any more pain than they already have to endure.
What kids need most from you
– Shared custody is usually the best option for children. Kids really benefit from a loving relationship with both parents. They need open access to both of you with no strings attached. If you don’t both stay involved in your children’s lives, it can lead them to believe that you don’t love them enough and that they are not important. Clearly this has huge implications for their self-esteem.
– Don’t fight in front of your kids. One of the biggest causes of long-term negative effects from divorce for children is continued parental conflict, especially in front of a divorce lawyer. A silver lining for a child going through divorce is that they won’t have to watch you fighting anymore. When you fight about the child, they tend to think that they did something wrong and it’s somehow their fault. Keep communication business-like and child-focused.
– Keep children out of the middle – don’t make them choose sides or feel guilty about enjoying their time with the other parent. Let them see that you are happy that they get to have a great relationship with both their parents – and work hard to make sure this is genuine! Your children deserve to have the full love and support of both their parents, even if this happens separately now.
– Don’t use the kids as messengers – it’s not fair. Communicate directly with the other parent and keep it business-like and child-focused.
– Don’t talk negatively about your ex to your children. Kids recognize traits in themselves from both of you, when you talk negatively about the other parent; you are inadvertently putting your kids down too. You’re also making them feel like they have to take sides.
– Always remember that kids want and deserve to have both you in in their lives. They rely on you to raise them, guide them through life, and help them figure out the person they are going to be and to be there when they have problems.
Provide children with a sense of stability and structure
We all want our kids to grow up to be resilient and to be flexible but it can be very difficult and stressful for children to adjust to several new things all at the same time. During this time of big change, provide your kids with as much stability and structure as you can in their everyday life.
This doesn’t mean you need a rigid schedule or that the routine in both parents’ houses need to be exactly the same. But providing a regular routine at each household and consistent communication with your children on what to expect will give them a sense of calm and stability that is really important during this transition.
Why routines are important
It is widely accepted that younger children thrive when there is a regular schedule and structure to the day. But kids of all ages appreciate routine – they feel safe and secure when they know what to expect next. Even something as simple as knowing that when they transition homes, homework time is followed by dinner and then quiet time, can bring real comfort to a child and help put their mind at ease.
Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Try to resist the urge to spoil your kids during the divorce by buying them lots of gifts or not enforcing the rules. Children really benefit from a sense of order when trying to come to terms with their parents’ separation.
Making shared custody work
Even with the most amicable of divorces, co-parenting is never an easy task. It takes great restraint and determination to continually put your feelings aside and to put your kids first.
The most important rule is to keep conflict away from the kids. Conflict between parents can be very damaging for children. Never put your kids in the middle of your disputes or make them feel like they have to choose sides.
Try to focus on the bigger picture – your kids growing up to be healthy and happy. You want them to look back on this time and feel that you always had their best interests at heart and kept the grown up stuff away from them.
Things to remember
1) Keep the kids out of it:
Never argue in front of your children. If you find yourselves in a dispute, you need to agree to talk about it another time when the kids are not around.
2) Be civil:
Always treat your co-parent with respect and be polite and never bad-mouth them to your kids. This sets a great example to your children and also encourages your ex to reciprocate. Treat your co-parent as you would like to be treated.
3) Kids learn by example:
Show your kids how to work through problems. Try and present a united front to your children so they can see that your love for them is more important than any of the hurt and anger you are feeling. It will teach them how to deal with adversity and to find solutions to their problems.
4) Maintain a business-like relationship:
An important step to take is to recognize the rules of your new relationship. You are no longer spouses, but business partners, with the important task of raising your kids. Find a way to keep communication clear and child-focused – keep the emotion out of it.
The bigger picture
In order to achieve a successful co-parenting relationship, you have remain focused on what is best for you children in the long term: a loving relationship with both parents where they never have to choose sides or feel bad for loving you both. By keeping the long-term goal in your mind – your children’s mental and physical well-being – it will be much easier to avoid conflict over everyday details that aren’t as important. Rather than trying to score points or win battles, try to focus on the happiness of your children.
Remember that this difficult time will pass and kids grow up fast! Try not to miss the opportunity to make wonderful memories with your children so that you’ll all be able to look back on their childhood with fondness, despite the difficulties you faced.