Maintaining a Good Relationship With Your Children While Undergoing a Divorce

Your relationship with your spouse may have failed, but you are both determined to handle it like adults. After the separation and the dealings with your divorce lawyer, you want the children to have the exact same feelings of safety and well-being around mum and dad that they do now.

The unfortunate fact is, no matter how loving your family is, your relationship with your children after divorce will change. Although most children adapt to the new living arrangements within a couple of years, they nevertheless report painful feelings about the break-up, wish their parents had stayed together, and may even suffer serious long-term effects such as sleep problems, self-injury, and withdrawal from loved ones.

How Children See Divorce

Because parental conflict before, during and after a divorce is so traumatic for children, they often try to figure out why it is all happening – and erroneously conclude that they are somehow at fault. To make matters worse, the non-custodial parent, typically the father, may fade from the children’s lives contributing to their sense of loss and helplessness.

Five Ways to a Good Relationship with Children After Divorce

Children are more sensitive than we may think. They can sense suppressed hostility while young. So how do you maintain a good relationship with children after divorce?

1. Set aside your negative feelings. Treat your ex-spouse like a business partner who you must collaborate with to establish secure, dependable routines for the children. If communication is proving difficult, seeing amediatormight help you set boundaries, resolve disputes, and work out sustainable agreements.
2. Acknowledge the stress. Children can act out in a number of disturbing ways including regression, anxiety,clinginess, andbehavioural problems. Rather than being alarmed or ignoring these symptoms, you can let your children know they are not responsible for the separation and that they are loved no matter what.
3. Get on their level. Young children might be better able to communicate their distress through indirect means such as books, stories, pictures and pretend play. Let them express their negative feelings and answer their questions simply and honestly, while still providing consistent rules, structure and boundaries.
4. Share parenting. Both parents contribute invaluable qualities to the lives of their children. No matter what the custody or access arrangements, make quality time a priority. The children need to know that even if one parent isn’t physically present all the time, they still care.
5. Maintain your child’s support network. This community of belonging includes relatives, daycare, teachers and friends. These social supports can provide stability, confidential alone time, and emotional security. Don’t keep your divorce a secret from these important people in your children’s lives.