How Can I Overcome my Spouse Cheating?

Cheating of some kind (sexual, emotional, facebook) is common in relationships. Even if the person who has been cheated on saw it coming, knows the relationship is troubled, or has suspected infidelity in the past, there is still no way to emotionally prepare for the fact that your partner has, in whatever way, chosen someone else over you.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

For some people, cheating is a deal-breaker. It’s less about the betrayal of the actual relationship than the principle: you cheat on me, I’m out. This kind of ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ reactionary thinking, while valid for some situations, doesn’t always take account of the facts.

If you are having trouble deciding whether or not to give the relationship a second chance, consider the following:

• Is this an isolated event, or has there been past evidence of infidelity?
• Was the cheating a reaction to other problems in the relationship?
• What were the circumstances? (i.e. long term affair, one night stand, during a temporary separation etc.)
• Do you see the cheating as the last straw or a freak occurrence amid years of good times?

Overcoming Spouse Cheating

Even though you feel sick when you think of your spouse’s actions, you may have decided to move forward for the sake of the love you shared. This doesn’t mean forgetting the cheating; what it does mean is being willing to move past it as you would any other serious mistake. It will require hard work from both of you, and you both have to want it.

Here are five actions to take when overcoming spouse cheating:

1. Talk. Your partner may not have answers to all your questions, but you still need to find out all you can about the circumstances of the cheating. Your partner could have a problem with alcohol, drugs or sex addiction, in which case she needs professional help to prevent future episodes.
2. Accept. You will likely have all kinds of uncomfortable feelings ranging from shock to depression. There will be fights, tears and blame, at least initially. This is a normal part of the grieving process.
3. Seek counseling. A marriage counselor or therapist can help you communicate fairly and productively, and share your painful feelings in a safe environment.
4. Time and space. It’s normal to want some distance to figure things out, and overcoming spouse cheating takes time.
5. Repair. Build trust by taking the same actions you both took to build your love and trust in the first place. Be honest, patient and kind with each other as you heal.