Parallel Parenting – A form of Joint Child Custody

There are a lot of similarities between two separated parents with joint custody adjusting to their new relationship, and the typical development of a young child. At about two years of age, children don’t yet know how to share, but may enjoy the company of other children. By about three years of age, children begin learning to share and begin to play with each other with the same toy. Developmentally speaking, children move from parallel play to cooperative play. Surprisingly enough, the relationship between parents with joint custody of their children post-separation can mimic these two distinct stages of child development.

What Lessons Can We Take From This?

Where separated parents can agree on things like routines, diet, religion, school, and other aspects of parenting, they can practice cooperative parenting: they may have irreconcilable differences with respect to each other, but this does not mean they aren’t in agreement with regards to how they raise their children.

While it is best for children when their parents can get along, or resist conflict with negotiation and compromise, not all parents are capable of this. Second best is when parents agree not to intrude on each other’s life, as well as establish clear rules for parenting when the children is in their custody, even if the rules differ between households.

Irreconcilable Differences

When disagreements about parenting cannot be reconciled, parallel parenting may be the solution. In successful instances, parents can have different rules, routines, and religious beliefs, but nonetheless allow the other parent leeway for their own method of parenting.

Even though parents may structure their lives with such differences, for parallel parenting to work, there must still be agreement on the issue of choosing a school, religion, medical care and the like. With parallel parenting, these matters may be negotiated: each parent may be assigned their own span of authority or they can agree to use an arbitrator.

There is the argument that multiple rules and routines are confusing to children, but these differences can be overcome over time. Just as children learn the rules of the different authority figures in their lives, like coaches and teachers, so they learn the rules of each parent. But parents must be sure not to undermine each other’s authority for it to work.

Parallel parenting for separated parents with joint custody is recommended in those situations where the parents differ but where neither of their decisions is truly harmful. Though in conflict, they are able to control themselves, as well as to minimize their interactions while following an agreed upon plan. However, parallel parenting is contra-indicated in those cases where parents cannot stop themselves from undermining each other’s authority.

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